Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.