what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.