me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”