DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
found my next D&D character name
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I have many caverns
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE