gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost