The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked