My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
mentally somewhere in italy
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!