When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?