coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.