finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“We will wed,” I threatened
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
no!! no!!!!!!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”