Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
bias laundering edition
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Geez man, take it easy.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.