What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Me too, bag. Me too….
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY