I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
The cashier just checked me out.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.