Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Something Saturday.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done