In Canada they just call them geese
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister