Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
You Might Also Like
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
how to have fun when you’re poor
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.