Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
This is so me 😂😂
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”