when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
You Might Also Like
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
when someone rings the doorbell
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”