Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Danger is very dangerous
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk