apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I love wikipedia
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.