[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.