GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”