I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
my first dose meeting my second
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts