[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
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Don’t touch that.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist