GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.