A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
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#NoRestForTheWicked
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I thought this was funny lol
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.