My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.