Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Cool shirt 🙂
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Chicken bread
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵