She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I’m not lazy
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.