[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[montage of me giving-up]