Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now