This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
You Might Also Like
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My favorite farside!!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job