Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”