Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
The old gods are rising again.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.