I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…