To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.