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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
B
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.