Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
mood
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out