I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped