*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*limbos under the caution tape
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.