[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*