[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche