doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The government even made aliens boring