.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”