Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The Struggle
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?