Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
the greatest twitter interaction
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.