“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.