I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Who.
Did.
This?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]