“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume