You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My dating profile:
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.